This guest post comes with thanks from James at The Buddhist Blog.
Before I was a year old, I contracted polio. Now I am fifty-nine and wear two different-sized shoes, which are clunky, lace up, and have small heels. These are my Dharma sisters. Without them I cannot walk. Entering a Dharma hall requires skill. Amid the shoes left outside, I clear a space to balance while I change into indoor shoes, which are also clunky and must be laced up. Then I bow to the Buddha, and walking mindfully so as not to clomp on the wooden floor, I find a cushion. I slip my shoes into a Kuan Yin bag and I meditate.
Last summer I went to Plum Village for the Breath of the Buddha retreat. I let the monastics know of my need to wear shoes in the Dharma hall so no one would be offended. And I brought hiking poles because the slow pace of outdoor walking meditation can be tricky. I was very happy. I’m not sure what my fellow retreatants saw, but bodhicitta was around in many. People offered me rides to the Dharma hall. Others wanted to help me walk. Baffled, I called my husband in the States: what do you do when people offer you too much help? He said: sometimes you have to be generous and accept it. So I did. I put the poles away and let myself be helped. As frail older women and handsome young men took my arm, I watched my protesting: I’m perfectly fit, I’m a hiker, I know how to take care of myself, besides I am the one who helps , one who cares for others. Unable to say what was too much or too little help, I kept silent and accepted what was given.
A young bodhisattva magically appeared at rough spots in the path, took my hand, and kept me stable. One day he walked me to the Dharma hall and seeing my shoelace untied, he kneeled. No, Stop! I wanted to protest, I can tie my own shoes! But I let him. Like Christ washing the feet of the leper, he tied my shoe. Never have I experienced such reverence. To be cared for by others-to yield to kindness-is not easy. But I am learning.
By Carolyn White
James: I read this story in the latest issue of The Mindfulness Bell magazine and it had me thinking, how often do we let others help us? We live in such an individualistic world in this modern age and we want to do everything ourselves. It seems that we feel that accepting help is to be weak and bothersome.
Yet, the opposite is true—when we accept help we are showing we are strong enough to over-come our ego/sense of separateness and embrace interconnectedness. When we truly realize that we are all One then we understand that to receive help is to give all involved a chance to practice the Buddhadharma and practice the Noble Eight Fold Path. The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that when the right hand is hurt, the left hand holds it in compassion to ease the suffering of its brother/sister hand. The right hand doesn’t refuse help because it is interconnected with the left hand through the rest of the body. Likewise, when we understand our inter-being we know that to accept help is indeed helping ourself. Thus, when we do refuse help out of not wanting to inconvenience others we are actually rejecting ourselves.
~ Peace to all beings ~
(Thank again James, for a wonderful story and reflection)
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What a wonderful story. So many of us are quick to offer help and slow to ask and allow others to help us. It takes being vulnerable to others to allow someone to help you. Most of us are afraid of being vulnerable. We are afraid of being disappointed. Being vulnerable is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and to others. In being willing to be vulnerable, we often teach those around us that being vulnerable is ok. Teaching by example is one of the best ways to teach others.
Many of us want to be cared for, but not sacrifice our independence. It’s a fine balance. It’s one I’m still learning to accept. The only way to do that is working with these feelings everyday.
My mother-in-law just taught me this lesson about being vulnerable and asking for help this past weekend. She has been having some health problems and recently had a procedure done on her health’s electrical system. We talked with her last Thursday and she sounded well enough and strong enough that I decided to stay home and not go to stay with her while my husband and his brother who lives with her went out to work on Saturday night and Sunday. She told Daniel later that she wished I had come to stay with her. Her blood pressure is still giving her problems with going too high. Sunday morning, she called the ambulance and went back to the ER with her high blood pressure.
My husband and I had discussed whether I should go or not before he left here Saturday night. My husband is going back this weekend and I am going with him to stay with her while they go out to work.
I am going to tell her that all she has to do is ask and I will be there. I won’t assume she is ok because she sounds strong over the phone. She didn’t ask because she didn’t want to be vulnerable.
What a wonderful gift to give and receive. This story touched my heart because I envisioned myself having the same feelings as she did.