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When looking at coming on a retreat, there’s a lot of excitement and anticipation about how things will go. Talk of how good the meditations will be, talk of waking up early, really doing the work, and of course talk of really becoming enlightened.
Then comes the reality of the schedule after a few innocent days. It feels like hell, but unfortunately, it’s not hell, that’s the real world. It’s the world you signed up for, the world you now live. But, you resist it. I don’t know why, but you do. Instead of just saying yes, this is reality, and doing what is at hand and needs to be done. Instead, you hold onto your image of what reality should be, somehow believing your right, and it’s reality that’s wrong.
Eventually you get tired of this, and the grip slips, reality comes seeping through, and you breathe again. You remember that this is why you came, that the other stuff is resistance, and to let go, enter into it, and things are OK just as they are. And then an hour later, or a day later, it begins again, out of no where. And again you come back to the task at hand, continuing to chop vegetables, just chopping. No plans, no thoughts. Instead the joy of being there, doing.
You always make it out the other side, and always you look back, wondering why you resisted, you know you always survive, you know that by letting go you gain, you know that you always hold a little back going into it, yet it doesn’t change.
From there, what you begin to do is know that these judgements are going to arise, and become expectant of these things. When they arise, you watch them but don’t buy their story- their currency is no longer valid, you’re present, they continue to flash by, but you know it will all be ok. You trust in yourself knowing you know the way.
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I saw your website mentioned on the Urban Monk. I’m delighted to find this thoughtful post on what it’s like to participate in a retreat.
A point that I would like to add is that it’s quite difficult to come out of retreat ok. I coined the term PSD (post sesshin depression) because some people do not make the transition well. I think some teachers try and run retreats full on until the last minute and then throw people back into everyday life. I think retreats should be designed so that there is a transition time where the student has time to adjust to the end of a retreat.
Hi Mary,
Glad you found me through Albert, a great friend.
I’m also glad you liked my take on retreat, a private world I have not shared before.
Totally agree with you, and that’s a fantastic term, for what I feel is a very real issue. I extended my trip by a few weeks to get used to slowly not living in monastic settings. I am still going to the Zen Center a few times a week, just to help settle.
Retreats do profound things to the mind. Not saying what the profound is, or if it’s good or bad, just profound
Your blog sounds interesting, you’re also just over the pond from me(Sydney) FYI
I look forward to reading more, and commenting soon.
Gassho,
Wade
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.
Very close to my experience in Kyoto. Once I accepted where I was and what I was doing it gave me immense calm. I watched the watcher and did not deny the thoughts nor feelings, but absorbed them. Awareness, awareness, awareness as DeMello always said. Would like to hear more stories like this one. As I spin back up again, I feel the need to find space again and want to integrate such practice in to everything. Tough in IT. Tough in modern life.
@Marcus, totally
@Dooby, Wow, thank you for that. You know how much your trip motivated and inspired me. Thanks also for asking for more stories, I’ve been a bit reluctant to speak my voice directly on here. Looks like I’ll continue.
You know how much I want to sit with you also. I’d love to establish a sitting with you, working together, again. One day….
Stick in there with the IT, I know it’s not easy, but also understand it’s required.
Also, don’t forget you’re a bodhisattva, attacking from the inside. Liberating people through your vessel of being. My finding Buddhism, as I’ve said before, comes through you. Through your living, and your words.
Again, also, if you’d like to share any Kyoto experiences, I’d love to host them for you.
May we exist in muddy water with purity like a lotus. Thus we bow to Buddha.
Gassho,—Wade
I try to just be there everyday. My thoughts always linking to some other memory. I tell myself to just enjoy where I’m at. I need to go on a meditation retreat some time soon.
@Karl,
Thanks for your comments, and the reminder.
I’d recommend retreats highly. That’s if you can take the time, and go not to escape, but to enter. Not to avoid, but to find. They’re amazing.
Peace,
Wade